“... I recall every bit of the story.
No, not because I liked it.
But I was scared he’d never stop if I swayed my attention.
He fucked me over and over again
Until he finished the book.
I was a seven year old girl.
I knew Robinhood better than Jack & Jill.
I sought closure eight years ago,
To put to rest the fears that took roots that night.
I went to the screening of Robinhood;
Sat through it with clenched fists, choked emotions and moist eyes.
I braved the demons.
I gave my nightmares a closure fifteen years later;
For my freedom,
From the fear, the beast(s) and society.
Waves of abuse. ”[1]
Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) is veiled into secrecy and there is a conspiracy of silence around the entire subject. A burning issue, a traumatic experience but hardly talked about. Aneile*[2], a 30 year old CSA survivor and a woman struggles to gain a sense of power by re-authoring her dominant story of abuse to attain healing and holistic liberation. She clearly recalls the episodes of pursuance and abuses done by her perpetrators (a trusted church worker and a neighbor respectively) even before attaining her puberty. Her initial voice was silenced by the trusted elders of the church. She said, “The threats of those supposedly Godly men, hiding in isolation…the touch, the feelings made me so angry and lonely that I started to behave like a boy to protect myself and my younger sister.” [3]
Trauma, anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive distortions, posttraumatic stress, dissociation, identity disturbance, interpersonal problems, aggression, suicidality during her years of development hindered her relationship with herself, society as well as the church. But, finding God in the midst of her brokenness and shame paved the way for her freedom from rage and hatred. She found forgiveness as her liberating force embodying recurrence of negative self-image, trust issue and the feeling of incapable of being loved.
Living with taboos that leads to a culture of shame and silence around any issue related to sexuality. The existence of ignorance with a certain level of acceptance and tolerance to gender-based violence against women and children, it is assumed that certain things are bound to happen and will happen to women and children if they cross the ‘line of morality’ put forth by the patriarchal society. The world seems to look like a series of locked doors to adult survivors of CSA.
Far too many survivors suffer in silence, neglect, and isolation with different experiences but their common struggles against the system, against the dogmas and their journey for closure is laid down bared to a country where sexual abuses and rapes have become so permissible and the scared body of women and children are treated as just mere bodily commodity. Will justice served from the so called system alone be enough? The nightmares and the dark rooms continue to envelop their being but a spiritual resiliency to claim their sacredness and so called lost dignity through holistic-liberation endeavors.
Prayer
Dear God of endless love, Hear the cries of those gravely harmed and the cries of their loved ones, help us to hear their cries of pain and grant us the courage, wisdom and grace to act justly for so many broken lives. In Jesus name, Amen
Author: Neiwalo- u Lohe,
About the Author: Neiwalo- u Lohe is Chakhesang Naga from Nagaland. She is currently working as the Asst. Professor in Baptist Theological College, Pfutsero in the Department of Christian Ministry (Counselling).
[1] An elucidation of the voice of a Childhood Sexual Abuse survivor which is much more, it’s poetry,sensitive and liberating in its effects. Yuimi Vashum, Love.Lust.And Loyalty (Kohima: PenThrill Publication House, 2018), 28-29.
[2] Pseudonym
[3] Interview with Aneile, a CSA survivor.
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