After almost 2 years of struggle with my brother leaving us and dad passing away, I got married in 2016. I became pregnant. Despite medical complications, it was a miracle. On the third month of my pregnancy the doctor made me hear her tiny, feeble heartbeat. O my joy knew no bounds she was my Hope for life! The marvel of carrying a new baby within me was a different experience foregoing my discomfort. My life turned magical overnight, as I attracted special treatment from the near and dear ones. Days went by I felt her first tiny movement. Together, we started doing a lot like praying, laughing, crying and so on.
One day, shockingly, my doctor said, “you may lose her.” Until that morning we were happy together and suddenly I was told that she might leave me in a week. I was helpless, as I was diagnosed with “Pre-eclampsia,” and treating it below 25 weeks of pregnancy, was something new to India and impossible. It was not our fault, it was genetic. For over a week I struggled in faith, like Hagar did in the desert. I kept reading Genesis 21: 8-21. With v:12 “Do not let me look on the death of the child,” I prayed, God will do a miracle to save my baby's life. But, she left, and I saw no miracle. My joy, happiness, miracle everything deserted me. All the theologies I knew failed to console me.
I did not have the courage to even glance at her, but my husband did, because he had to do all the formalities. He said, “she was a girl with all features visible (tiny eyes, ears, nose, mouth, limbs, fingers, feet n toes) like a miniature doll.” I remember my husband weeping in silence for days but never expressed his sadness to me because I was already shattered. No words were enough to console us. My in-laws kept questioning why this happened and my mother hid all her sorrows to take good care of me.
There were,
"a few who said I was unworthy to have the child,
while some said I had sinned earlier,
a few more said that I was the cause,
some said I was careless,
and a few said that I might never again have a child,
But, I could only grievingly say "I never knew she would leave"
Older women usually say that the delivery pain flees when you see the baby's face." In my case, I contracted pain when I saw the empty cradle next to my bed, while other women in the ward were busy feeding their babies. Babies’ laughter and shouts filled in the room. I wanted to cry aloud and quickly pleaded my doctor to change my room.
Very few said I will have another Angel and as they said I did have an Angel again. Olivia was born, though, after a few complications. It is over three years now, I am yet to come out of the devastation. I remembered Matt 2: 16-18, whenever I cried. It was not only me who had lot of expectations and dreams who had lost a child but many in the history, even in the bible have lost their children due to various political and social violence. mothers who are under aged, illegally pregnant, rape victims, victims of dowry abuse and domestic violence and family situations, sometimes even for political reasons forced to abort their little Angels. Though some may have another baby, we devastated mothers are lost in the hope that one day we will see our children on the other side.
Yea! A miracle came to me through Olivia and my joy was restored. Yet the thoughts of the unborn etched deep in my heart. Although, it was technically not called an abortion but a miscarriage, there were very few who understood the difference. The agony of losing a baby involuntarily is hell. But there was always hope that one day I will see her in the coming of the lord. But for now, I will testify my inconsolable experience to mothers with similar situations to build hope. Babies give us hope, unborn babies live in us forever. But a question prevails whether God is with me throughout my sorrow dirtying the holiness to be a bereaved mother? I believe its a big “YES”.
Prayer:
Mother God, I pray that you console all the bereaved mothers and give them the hope for a new life so that they might not be depressed or feel guilty in losing their child involuntarily or accidentally and move on in lives. May the good God teach us all to be strong in such depressing situations. Amen.
Author: Rev. P. Eunice Rajamathi
About the Author: Eunice is an ordained minister who hails from Chennai. She is a member of the CSI Diocese of Madras. She has completed her Bachelor of Divinity from the United Theological College, Bangalore in 2015. She a talented singer and a social thinker. She is presently preparing herself for higher theological studies.
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