Reflection:
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have love you, that you also love one another”.
John 13: 34
I was born and raised in a very conservative puritanical almost cultic church, where the judgement of God rather than God's grace was emphasized. The church had its own formula for salvation that included confessing our sins to the pastor or designated seniors, crying in repentance, and finally obtaining a verse, an “assurance of salvation.” Even as small children, we were encouraged to cry in repentance and pray for our sins. I remember my mother, waking me up by rubbing my ears and asking me to confess my sins. Questioning the church, the leaders and the Bible were considered blasphemous. People who refuse to conform or those who leave are called backsliders.
Every small pleasure was considered dirty and sinful. We did not have a television at home because my parents did not want the “filth of the world” to enter our home. I was constantly made to feel dirty for desiring the simple pleasures of life, things as simple as reading a novel or watching a romantic movie or listening to secular songs, and slowly developed a sense of worthlessness.
I struggled to conform even as a child and was labelled rebellious. But I did rebel and had a lot of questions that no one could provide answers for, other than saying, “the Bible says so” or “who can question the Bible.” Then I left home and went to a different city for University. At University, during my degree in Humanities, I began to question even more. I struggled with this and my constant prayer was “Lord, help my unbelief”. But slowly and surely, my brain began to see beauty in the “filth of the world” as I began to gain exposure to other denominations/ teachings. I could finally guiltlessly enjoy a romantic comedy, listen to secular music, or read a novel.
Today, as we enter the advent season, and I look back on my journey of faith, and what Christmas has come to mean to me, I realize that it is OK to question. I do not have the answers, I realize that I probably never will. But I also realize that it is perfectly alright not to have the answers, it is perfectly fine to question your beliefs.
I am reminded of the nativity scene that is central to the story of Christmas and ask myself what it means to me. It must have been a very dirty and smelly place. Joseph might have had to literally sweep off the dung, hay and the dirt to make a manger for Baby Jesus to be placed. It reminds me that the Lord literally and metaphorically came into “the filth of this world”. To me, it represents love.
A Love that encompasses the elite wise men and the lowly shepherds, the clean and the dirty, men, angels, and animals. Love that does not see who you are, where you are from, who you love, how you worship or who you worship. Christmas day is the real Lovers’ Day, the ‘dirty’ manger is the real symbol of Love. And the realization of this love has liberated me from the fear to conform, liberated me from the feeling of being dirty, of being worthless.
Prayer
Dear God, Lover of us all, you who do not see creed or color or even religion, help us to see you in others this advent season. Help us to embrace all your people, your children, in love and not push them away in judgement.
Author: Jemima Farrar
About the Author: Jemima is currently working as an Assistant Professor in Women’s Christian College, currently living in Chennai with husband and son.
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