S2-Day 8: God in the Exam Hall

I have not liked examination as a student or as a teacher. I have always dreaded exam and the exam hall. It was always amplified by the fact that I was not a bright student. Three instances made it a harsh memory for me. I was pursuing Bachelor of Arts specializing in Psychology. Abnormal Psychology was one subject that I loved the most. I studied and did my best preparation. However, it threatened me so much that when I went to the Exam hall, I had a panic attack. I could not calm myself. As I received the question paper, I blanked-out. I did not know what to write. I had all the weird thoughts on my mind. I tried praying and relaxing, but no respite. I had tears filled in my eyes. I tried my best with some of the answers that I knew. But I was overwhelmed and I gave up. Within 45 minutes I finished all in just a page. My friends thought I was going to take another paper to write, but I walked out of that classroom, my self esteem shredded into a million pieces. The Trauma of the last exam haunts, I still remember the date. 8th May 2002. 

I had to re-appear in October. Guess what? I blanked-out again. As it was in a different college and the atmosphere was intimidating as none of my friends were writing in that classroom. I broke down. It was the gravest moment that I was ever in. The only solace I had was, my parents understood me. My mother kept saying “This failure does not define you.” My father joked, “I failed in my 10th.” However, along with my 3rd year exams I had to write this exam as well. It was now or never. But just before the day of exam on 10th may 2003, I gave up. I told my parents that I am not writing. Fortunately my aunt Sula had just come to visit. My parents, aunt and uncle just prayed for me. Aunt Sula just said “You write what you can. Rest we will see.” 

I went to the exam hall. I was writing this exam with my juniors. I felt like quitting. It was the 3rd time. I was getting used to it. But I remember my Friend Zareen Bharucha who was aware of my demons. She just looked at me and said “Merin, you will do it.” Trust me. It was a moment of epiphany. It was a moment of witnessing God speaking to me “You are my Beloved.” The Instance of the Baptism of Our Lord where there was voice saying about Jesus “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” As recorded in (Matthew 3:17). Jesus was yet to being his ministry, had not performed a miracle, yet the unconditional love of God was revealed. As for me, at that moment, the many voices of accusations and being a loser, just disappeared. I wrote the exam with confidence. 

These consecutive encounters with failure have made me compassionate to my own self and to others as well. More significantly I have countered the futility of examination and categorization of a “bright” student based on marks. The premise of education itself needs unlearning and re-evaluation. System based on meritocracy is sheer alienation of one’s personhood. Failure is no dirtiness of life. God sees no failure, but the person we become. 

Prayer

God of wisdom and grace, help us to hear your voice even in spaces we fear and the places that make us feel dirty. Speak to us in times of trouble and call us, your Beloved Children. Amen. 

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Author: Merin Mathew 

About the Author: Merin Mathew is a Clergy of the Mar Thoma Church and a Faculty in the department of Theology and Ethics at Dharma JyothiVidyaPeeth, Faridabad.