S1-Day 20: God in Dirty Places: Dad’s Battle with Dementia

From my childhood I always observed my late father Rev. Saduri as a majestic alpha-man at the face of challenges, a radiant saint on the altar of the church and a compassionate priest with the people. He won over cancer (1996), waged a prolonged war against Dementia, Alzheimer and Parkinson (2014-18), until a cardiac arrest stole him from us. Dementia is a syndrome in which there is deterioration in speech, memory, thinking, behaviour and the ability to perform everyday activities. However, watching him gradually deteriorate pierced my heart with pain. 

When I saw my father struggling with memory loss, mumbling words and broken thought-process, eyes filled with tears and heart grew dim. He found no ability to perform his everyday activities and routine. He gradually lost words to express himself, his pain, and his needs and so on, along with slowing-down of his bodily movements (Parkinson). At times, he was frightened trying to hide himself, at times he acted like a child with his vulnerability, sometimes he was extremely violent, otherwise he was calm. While we searched for him in places, worried and scared of his whereabouts, he would walk to places like: my mom’s school, grandmother's graveyard or to the diocese office (assuming he was still in service), someone, usually his friends from the place, would call and inform us, so we go pick him up. The fear and anxiety was devastating.  Though his tight hugs when I met him, was ecstatic, the pain was real when he forgot who I was when I video called him. This was a very hard-time for my entire family to see dad go through such a terrible phase in his life. Seeing him in that condition, it was teary prayerful nights all the way through, for all of us in the family. It was our responsibility as family to take care of him, grooming, feeding and cleaning him every day. 

While contemplating on this theme “God in Dirty Places” it really struck my mind to go back memory lane and realize God's love in dirtiness. Yes! I am talking about my father dirtying himself during his vulnerable situation almost every day. Perhaps, it was in this dirtiness that I found love, the love of God. This love, I experienced, when I found my father in need of help, while I cleaned him every day. I used to change his diapers and spent a lot of time for his toiletry routine due to his resistance to accept his situation. It was in such a vulnerable situation, I realized his parental love towards me, with thoughts of how he would have cleaned me when I was a baby. It was that feeling of love that gave me strength and patience to serve him to my heart’s content. This, I believe, is to find “God in dirty places.” 

I strongly experienced God’s love that passed through the vulnerability of my father. This experience made me realize the true meaning of love which enabled me to serve him patiently without complaints and with utmost care. Thus, in this site of dirtiness I experienced God’s presence and God’s love. As it is written in I John 4:8, “Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love,” which always resonated in my heart when I experienced love, while performing dad's toiletry routine, and ultimately found God in those dirty moments. There are many who suffer terminal illness, a father, a mother, grandparents brothers, sisters or anyone who  just need love, care and patience. Are we challenged to find God in and through their illness, weakness, dirtiness and vulnerability? Are we ready to be instruments of love in their life-struggle for liberation? May this love from such dirty experiences penetrate through our hearts and challenge us to experience God's radical love from places unheard. 

Prayer: 

God of Love, we pray for your healing on those suffering from terminal illness. Grant us your strength to find you among them. Give us your courage to serve them with your love and compassion so that we seek your face among those who suffer. Amen. 

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Author: Vinod Shemron 

About the Author: Vinod earned his Bachelor of divinity from the United Theological College, Bangalore. He completed his internship with the National Council of Churches in India, Nagpur. He served as the Associate Executive Secretary of the Mission and Scholarship Desk of the Student Christian Movement of India, Bangalore. He is presently pursuing Master of Theology in the Department of Christian Theology from North India Institute of Post Graduate Theological Studies, Serampore. His interests are music, drama, poetry and creative writing.